Today is vesak day. . .

I slept around 6.30am. . . and woke up at 8.24am after a call from eric… he’s asked to be go to work coz there’s not enough staff on shift… I agree to it as dad and mum will only be back tonight… and I owe him a few times le… it’s eric that I don’t wann to reject working…

I reach cartel at about 9am… I took a cab… was lazy and tired. The feeling when I stepped into cartel was great, as I am going there to work, not to eat. I’m going to be a part of cartel’s staff again. I like those feelings. A LOT!

Everything went on smoothly . . . until 2.55pm… mum stood outside cartel, and the moment I saw her, I walked out. She demanded to see eric. I warned her not to create a scene when I asked eric out. As usual, she did what she wanns. She shouted at eric and Irene. “don’t ever find my daughter to work again. I don’t care whether you all have enough people to work anot. I don’t want you all to call her again. No more. I won’t allow her to come back and work. I don’t want her to work here.” It might sounds alright and for my own good but it’s a scene created… sth which I will never forgive and forget. . . she sux…I hate her… and this is the second time she disgraces me in front of people whom I respect and like… wtf. . . first time is during 3C’s parents-meeting-session. I got a 49.2 for English and she screamed at mr tan like hell… second time is to eric and Irene. . . she never once think for me… but she never screams at anybody of my brother. Bro’s results sux… he failed English and had failed damn badly but he’s never got screamed at, neither his teachers….

Now that this thing had happen, I will be too ashamed to step into cartel again. I will never forget what “mum” did, she may think what she’s done is for my own good, but that’s not what I want. . . she don’t consider what I want. she never bothers to let me decide for myself, but for her son, she is always able to turn a close eye.

maybe it’s due to that I seldom disobeyed her. maybe she thinks that her son is more difficult to handle. But from today onwards, I will show that there’s no difference between me and bro. I have always tried not to make her angry and tried to do things her way. Now… it’s too much… she’s gone overboard… over the limit… it’s enough already! SO, no more!

I hate her! I hate all the disgrace she’s brought to me… I’m totally ashamed. . . =’(

I do feel sorriees to dad. He’s tried to speak to me for a few times but failed. I have totally ignored him and even showed him attitude. He’s kind enough not to have brought up this thing. He knows it’s not the right time to force me to do anything because I am angry! He talked to me nicely to get me to eat some dinner. But that woman came in to my room and screamed at me. I never budge and she screams louder. Too bad, I’m already numb. I don’t feel anymore.

The big difference between my parents is dad thinks before he acts, he will try to solve problems peacefully. He doesn’t give me attitude and he tells me what’s best for me and he asked me about things. . . it’s a mutual parent-child relationship. although dad accuses sometimes, he will try to make it up. All that woman do is to scream for the whole world to know how brainless her children were…

haven stopped crying since I’m in the car around 3.05pm. I dunno how to stop. . . there’s no way to stop them… they’re taking over my smile. . . hatred is all I felt now. . . no love… nothing. . . it’s all because of that woman. . . she has destroyed me totally! =”(

quite a few “first times” happening. . .

Surprised that I actually enjoyed my Applied Statistic’s tutorial today... first time… hahas… I realized that if I listen in class, I will be able to understand. . . the same goes to EL Tech… my EL Tech lecturer told me that even if I don’t understand anything, I don’t have to fear… I juz have to memorise the formulas, sub in the numbers, and I’ll sure get the right answer. . . a little crappy. . . if you don’t understand, how would you know which formula to use? but he said it will work…he’s old but his assurance, omg… he’s very confident abt it. . . hahas…

Both daddy and mummy not at home tonight. . . first time. . . hahas… they have gone to cruise with my grandparents and second aunt and hubby. . . it’s nice for daddy and mummy to be away… more freedom for me and bro… hahas… but the house seem empty… without anybody to nagged at us… hahas… it’s so irony…

Today… not feeling well… suddenly craving for cartel’s cakes… sb’s buying it for me. . . but end up who knows... NO MORE cakes left. . . =( anyway, SB. . . THANKS! =) hahas… haven eaten much till dinner time… eating lesser dinner than before too… phobia for food? Or I missed daddy and mummy? Hahas… no appetite is good… better chance to diet. . .

Zhi Wen’s going for another gal… a gal from NGEE ANN. . . same age as him. . . she’s taking business course and in second year now. . . it’s a good thing. . . wise thing to do. . . wise decision. . . but I don’t feel too great?!?! Dunno. . . I dunno what to say. . . he’s warn me to stop giving him attitude. . . first time. . . . . . .what the… woo another gal big deal? WARN me? How can he do that? Maybe I’m at fault too. . . I’ve hurt him too much. . . in fact, I am the one at fault. . . what’s gone will never come back . . . . . .

I need dom. . . I need him now. . . . . . =’(

Where’s Huiying? I sure get scolding from her if I say I don’t feel good when zhi wen’s going for another gal. . . hais. . .

I miss dom. . . I miss my friends. . . how I wish these things never happen before. . . where’s that jialu, whose able to take and let go without much problems, gone to? =(

It’s that kind of feelings once again. . .

Looking into your eyes… I saw helpless and the urge… but it’s still calm. . . too calm. . .

I’m sorriees. . . looking into your eyes, I felt guilty. . . I also felt an urge to hold you and to give you a hug. . . I’m sorriees for having hurt you so much. . . too much indeed. . . In a nutshell, I’m not worthy for you. . . you’re not bad, you have standards. . . this makes me even more not worthy for you. . . I’m so ugly and am getting fatter and fatter. . . now you understand why I always tell you I’m not worthy for you? If you’re still waiting. . . still don’t wanna let go. . . I think it’s wiser for you to start changing your mindset? you can definitely find a much more better one than me. . . one that will love you as much as you will love. . . wouldn’t that be better? It’s fairer for you that way too. . .

Always remember. . . I’m not worthy for you. . . I cannot accept you to hurt you again. . . I won’t bear to do it again. . . or to do it anymore. . .

I know I have no rights to think for you, to choose for you, and to decide what you are going to decide. . . but it’s just my opinions, accept it huh?

Nothing can take my guilt away. . . I’m sorriees for what I have done to you. . . at least I’m glad we still talk. . . not much but at least we talk. . . don’t avoid me. . . it will only increase my guilt. . . if you love me, lessen my guilt and don’t add on to it anymore. . .

Remember I told you our definition to relationship is different? My definition to maintain a relationship is to LEARN TO FLY A KITE. . . how? Flying a kite means to pull and let go at the right time. . . this is to ensure that the kite will be able to fly higher and higher. . . . . .

That’s the relationship that I desire to have. . .

sorriees zhi wen. . .

Growing up? Nah… I’m growing horizontally…

I’m so fat… too fat… it hurts when somebody tells you that you’re fat… what’s more my mummy…

She says I’m too fat and furthermore, she’s taking it as a joke and tell other family members about me- what I weigh, how round my face is, etc.

I know about all this… yesh, I’ve been avoiding the fact that I’m fat… but there’s no need to share it with everybody… she makes me feel betrayed… she’s telling the whole world how fat her gal is… she makes me take my weight but I don’t wann to…not to avoid but I don’t wann to give her another topic to tell-tale to anybody else… from now on… I will take my weight seriously… and good food is meant for people who will never get fat… not for people like me. . .

So sad huh? I haven enjoyed enough but it’s time to stop… it’s time to take action. . .

Mummy says if I don’t take action to control it now, it will be harder in future…

Holidays coming . . . time to plan my schedule…
1. For work
2. For workouts
3. For fun
4. For shopping
5. For you. . .

Very very sad. . . have been feeling real down about my weight. . . it’s time to do something!

Not fair… anyway…life ain’t fair…if life’s fair…it won’ be life…thinking that way makes me more comfortable after all, I think?

I do all the work and he gets all the credits…

Comp progamm…one of my favourite module…

Copying = pragmatism…he knows the risk of it…he knows that both of us will be marked zero yet he still wann me to send him my answer…what’s more, he din even bother to re-do…he juz copy and paste…shit him! I dunno why in the bloody hell I sent him all the answer?!?!
Today is the due date for submission of the work…I told him to re-do and sent the files agn so there won’t be risk of getting caught…I merely reminded him agn afterwards and he gave me that irritated look…what the…he sux…

Had a test today…my mcqs sux…he’s been copying all my work yet he’s able to score…

What the!!! I hate him…he’s nothing but trouble…it’s my luck to have to bear with him for another few more years…looking at the bright side of life…it’s training my patience…good. . .

There’s no need for me to mention who that bloody shitty idiot is…those who knows how I am doing recently will know how ill-fated I am to have to suffer another 3 more years with that bloody shitty idiot…

I AM ANGRY!!!!
I HATE MY STUPIDITY!!!
I HATE MY CHOICES!!
But…
I love my family, my friends… I love myself…=)

It’s my turn to blog…=)

Have been reading blogs nowadays…realized that blogging is another good way to relieve some stress…not really stress…but some burden which can be let out…

Jialu’s story…

Things that have been happening around me are small matters, small cases… and compared to others… it’s in fact nothing. . .

But… …

It is something to ME…

I have been struggling to keep my spirits up recently…everybody have been telling me to let it go, to stop being foolish, to hate him, to stop thinking of him…it’s always easier to be said than done…everyone knows that… ain’t I right?. . .

I missed my friends…PRB rocks…we’re meeting up soon…looking forward to 1st june…
Huiying has gone for cruise…she knows all about me…even those that I myself are unsure of…and all of those that I have chosen to avoid…she always brings up the hard fact, and etym she does that, it’s always like giving me a tight slap across my face and screaming for me to wake up…maybe she din? But she always gives me those feelings…it’s great coz I’ll start to move on a little… or at least I think I AM moving on… but I will never fail to return to the beginning…

I went to hougang mall on the 19th may… guess what? SB went with me. . . he’s been nice…and so direct…he’s right…I know that what he’s said is right and I should listen to him…but it’s not easy…I hate him when he said I’m desperate…I’m not…I went all the way to hougang not because I’m desperate…but just curious to know who SHE is…I’ve been rather rude to him these few days…for he always bring up this matter… I know I should have controlled myself… I’M SORRIEES. . . I know he’s just being nice…he went all the way to hougang with me without knowing what he’s going there for. . . AND he has let me know some things which I WOULDN’T have want to know… I don’t like what he’s telling me… not at all…

Chatted with jenn on the 22nd may. . . poor gal…she’s gone through what I’ve gone through…so similar…she knows how I have been feeling all this while…she knows how hard it is to let go…how my heart stings when people bad-mouthed him even though he deserves it…

Sorriees Henry… I’m really SORRIEES. . . other than sorriees… I can’t think of any other words to express my guilt to you. . . Sorriees to those who’s went shopping with me recently…hasn’t been a good companion…halfway sure emo. . . SORRIEES!

It’s a long post huh?
hahas. . . damn sad. . .
three cheers to all those who have been with me throughout. . . to all my friends. . . I love you guys!

jialu loves all!